Poverty is not a new phenomenon; it is as old as human history. While we can not divorce natural causes from it, there are convincingly enough reasons to argue that manmade causes of poverty largely account for the increasingly deplorable conditions of the world’s poor people.

There is so much in the world that it is unacceptable to see others go hungry, or not being able to attain the basic necessities.   

However, addressing the issue of poverty goes beyond merely enabling people to acquire these needs; it also calls for attitudinal change, on the part of both the haves and the have-nots, of course.

It is a common thing to see that among the privileged few of society there is the tendency of complaisance, such that we tend to take life for granted. There is the issue of the unwillingness to share, and there is also the issue of exploitation and wastage, mainly caused by the unrealistic feeling of the real impact of the scourge of poverty.

The role of poor people themselves, as can be seen in our part of the world, also counts as much as the influences of the above mentioned factors. The culture of blaming other people for our predicament has more or less become a popular pretext for those of us who find life difficult to bear. This, in a way, serves as an obstacle for some of us to forge our way through.

It is important to note, however, that we cannot make a desirable world if we continue on this trend. Global discourse on poverty reduction strategies therefore ought to feature these issues prominently if we are to realize our goals.

To round up our marriage discussion in this Holy Month of Ramadan, let’s talk about some guides that can make our marriage eternal. This is due to the fact that more marriages are breaking up in their first year than ever before.

In marriage, the first five to seven years are the most challenging. They are the time a couple spends getting to know each other better and adjusting to each other’s habits and personalities. What I will point out below are the main problems couples face in the early years and some possible solutions.

One of the main problems is the lack of proper information before marriage. A number of problems are caused simply by the fact that the couple and their families have not discussed crucial issues beforehand. Most of these issues include whether or not the wife will work outside the home or not; child bearing and upbringing issues; and whether the couple will live with their parents or have their own separate dwelling.

Another big problem in marriage is the tug-of-war issue. Who is in charge?   This often leads to arguments and disrespect as well as bitter feelings. Many couples in our society refuse to compromise when differences arise.

Looking at thing from Islamic perspective, the husband is given the leadership role in the marriage relationship. This doesn’t mean he runs the couple’s family life like a dictatorship. The couple should live in free and friendly atmosphere. As head of the family, you are a leader. As a leader you must also have humility. A husband exercises the right kind of leadership by listening to and consulting his wife. A husband is bound to follow the rules of the two Holy Books. Therefore, if there are differences in opinion, one should refer to these two Holy Books.

Divorce is one word couples should avoid using. It is not good to threaten one’s partner with “I will divorce you one day” or “it is my letter of divorce that I am waiting for”. Once upon a time, divorce was the seven-letter word most religious couples avoided. But today it is becoming the pet name within the family both in the provinces and in the cities.

It should be remembered that out of all of the things Allah has made righteous, divorce is the one He hates the most. Couples need to look at several other alternatives before turning to this drastic measure.

Couples should seek the help of older, wiser and trustworthy elders who will try to help them resolve their differences. Generally, husband and wife need to make a sincere, concerted effort to try to work things out before divorce is seriously considered.
Another problem is the issue of extra-marital affairs. It is unrealistic to expect the issue of affairs and affairs-related problems to mysteriously disappear once a couple gets married. In reality, it takes time, commitment, disappointment and investment to establish a good love relationship in marriage, which is in tune with the needs of each partner.

Religiously, it is important for a couple to go into marriage with proper information about affairs and affairs etiquette. They need to know what is permissible and what is forbidden. They should also keep in mind that spouses must never discuss their affairs with others, unless it is to get help for a specific problem with the right person or authority figure. On a similar note, it is important for both the husband and wife to remember that they need to make themselves physically attractive to each other. Too many couples take marriage to mean an excuse to let themselves go.
 
Another major thing that should not be overlooked in marriage concerns in-laws. The first few years of marriage are not just a period of adjustment for the married couple. It is one of getting used to in-laws and vice-versa. Problems with in-laws problem sometimes cause a lot of damage in a young couple’s married life.

Husbands, wives and in-laws need to practice the religion which lays down rules of the social relation with each other.  Also, comparisons need to be avoided, since every individual and every couple is different. So wives should not be compared to mothers and sisters. Likewise, husbands should not be compared to fathers and brothers. In-laws should not be compared to parents and so on.

Remember realism in marriage. Boy meets girl and they fall in love. They live happily ever after. That is the scenario of many a Bollywood, Nollywood and Hollywood movie, where everyone is perfect. In real life, it is very different. So a couple may enter marriage with high-flying romantic ideas and expecting their partner to be the ideal human. But nature takes effect. This is because all humans have good and bad points. Husband and wife have to learn to accept other.

Try to establish your own lifestyle and rituals as a couple. It is very important if both the couples are working or going to school. The following can be established as rituals: Attending a study circle together, deciding on a weekly or daily menu, praying at least one prayer together everyday, having a special breakfast together every weekend or each holiday.  Additionally, you can set a time or day to discuss finances and budget with your partner, making a phone contact during the day when you are at work or school and so on.

Doing the above as rituals, couples learn how to talk to and feel responsible for each other. They also learn to become a team instead of two people living in the same house with separate lives.

A number of young couples are notorious for not keeping secrets, especially related to private matters. They expose their spouse’s faults. This is not only unacceptable but it is unreligious. Spouses should seek to hide each other’s faults. They should seek advice on marriage problems from a marriage mentor or counsellor. That is someone who is older, wiser, trustworthy, and has the best interests of both parties at heart.

A special note to husbands: in the beginning of marriage, husbands tend to shower their wives with gifts. They do this as an expression of love and because they want to provide for their wives. However, as time passes and they keep giving, they go into debt or experience financial difficulty. Furthermore, wives get used to a certain level of comfort which husbands can no longer afford.

Providing for a wife (and later on, a family) is not just reserved to material things. It includes spending time with her, and treating her with equity and kindness. In fact, most wives prefer this kind of provision to expensive gifts.

To round up this marriage survival, give each other space. A number of couples think being married means always being together and serving each other on hand and foot. A wife may initially take over all household chores, not letting the husband help or even do his own things (ie ironing his own clothes). They later regret this as household responsibilities increase and their husbands become dependent on them for the smallest things.

Husbands may think getting married means being with their wives all the time. This may later lead them to becoming irritable and cranky. The key is to focus on being caring, fond of and accepting each other and giving each other sufficient space. Doing this provides a necessary balance in a relationship which is so close physically and emotionally.

Lovelines

I chased a girl for a very long time before she accepted. I observed that she love me but she is complain that I don’t love her hence I told her that I have called off my former relation. Since I first told her that I was engaged with a lady before she succumbed to me.

Yellocy

What you need to tell her is that you really love her and you don’t want to cheat on her. Beside it is good for both of you to be honest to each other. And whatever you did is for the comfort of both of you because you can not afford loosing her or having another lady in a corner with her or keeping two women at a time. Pet her with sugar coated mouth as much as you possibly can. Good luck!

My mind goes to her always

Lovelines

I was dated a girl for one year before I dumped her. Now I think of her always and I don’t know what to do?

Bayo

You know what to do, do not hide your feeling. Why don’t you walk straight to her with a rose flower and tell her sorry that she should forgive you and let the love start from where it was hanging. So reconcile if you want your loneliness to disappear. Good luck!

We quarrel every two, two days

Lovelines

I was married since 2005 to a girl I love who also love me but we never compromise with each other. Every two, two days we must quarrel. What is your advice?

Domfree

Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity. Also it is like a cage; one sees the birds outside; desperate to get in and those inside desperate to get out. Because it is a desperate thing to do, for some youth who never watch their steps enroll in it.

I do not believe that you still love each other as you said. Because if does one of you might have think that since 2005 till date what do you normally quarrel about, did you tolerate or accept each other, do you endure and patient with your partner? Have you enter into dialogue and settle your problem peacefully without it lingering in minds for sometimes. Has both of you think of the legacy you are trying to lay down for your children if there is any?  Therefore call your wife to sit and find solution to your problem that is the only advice which means individual should search his or her self and revisit your attitudes. Good luck!

She told me that her marriage is over

Lovelines

I am 24 deeply in love with two girls. My childhood girlfriend that we both date for four years was one day forced to marry a semester. When she confirmed this to me we break the relationship. I was not myself for 2-year until I met another girl who dearly loves and cherish me. It is now after 3 years of my ex marriage we met (again) and she told me that her marriage is over; she’s divorce, and she want to come back to my life. I let her know that I am dating another person but she said she does not care. I finally let her in. I am looking for help.

Abubaccar

You did not surprise me, because there are many men outside there that are man but not man enough when it come to woman’s matter. You are one of them. There is no help somewhere than your ability to control your mind/heart to conquer your fantasy. If a lady in love with you can marry to another man either willingly or unwillingly leaving you without your consent because of any circumstance, or later come back because it is over between her and the husband and you accept her back, you will remain as his hands towel forever. A lady, who was there when she abandoned you for a semester, does that mean you want to dump her or start cheating on her. Think wise do not become a woman wrapper. Tell her to go back to her husband or marry another man and be of good friend. But if you like to eat a reminiscent food, continue with her but sooner or later she will dump you again. Good luck!

I don’t know her well

Lovelines

There is a girl that always looks at me and I am sure deep down her heart she is dying to go out with me. The obstacle is that I don’t know her very well.  

Sambou

If you have any feeling for her do not wait until you know her very well, because delay is dangerous. As she is eyeing you, a man is at the corner eyeing her as well. So press the button if you feel the itch in your heart. Good luck!

She is the only one I dreams about

Lovelines

I have been following a girl for over 2 years still she doesn’t accept me to be her boyfriend. She is the only girl I love because I always dream of her.

Jammah

I will ask you to stop exaggeration and free yourself from love imagination. If you have been following a woman for the past two years without her given you the green light, please leave her alone and chase another girl. Stop seeing her in your dream so that she will not lead you into temptation. Remember dream is sometime fool. I will encourage you to look for other beautiful and nice lady when she sees you cruise around with some beautiful and better chic than her she will envy you and might likely give you a chance. Good luck!

I am thinking of how to chase him

Lovelines

I am 25 dating a man who is 10 years older than I. I love him like that but he is not ready to marry now. Something came up as I saw and start to think about a man whom we never sit and chat together in the past. I think am falling in love with this man but he is not aware of my attraction to him. For a long time now I have been thinking of how to chase him, because he is my life, the only word in my mouth and the man I see in my dreams. But I really need a responsible man who will love and care about me. How can I go about this?

Habibatou

All mankind love a lover because love is all we have, the only way that each can help the other. So she who has never loved has never lived. Therefore if the man dating you is not ready to get marry and you wanted to marry at your age there is nothing bad if you express yourself to someone that you admired. It does not mean who make the first move but what matter most is respect and love. Should in case you really love this man whom you said is your life, what you need to do is to study him and always engage him with some minor and serious chats to test his behavior and getting more knowledge about him. If you are satisfied with him, pass the ball to him in a dribbling manner; ask about his love life and his current girlfriend. Ask him for a stroll and walk very closer to him. Hold is hand very tight. If you don’t understand give a direct call to Lovelines. Good luck!

I will do something very badif my mum doesn’t allow me to marry

Lovelines

I want to get married but my mum said I should finish school. Presently I am in grade 11 going to grade 12. If my mum doesn’t allow me to get marry I will do something very bad. Please help me.  

Jaliya

I do not think that you need a help. Although I know that you are being disturbed by your age and lack of ambition in life at the same time under the influence of sensation. It is always like that when a young girl or boy just started body chemistry experimentation. But it is better that you listen to your mother who wanted you to be an achiever in your life. Not all glitter is gold. Have you ever think that all those boys or your boyfriend whom you are running after now can marry you today and divorce you tomorrow because of what? First, she will consider you as a disobedience wife (because you have no respect for your mum), two, as a school dropout, three, as a young girl without future ambition, forth, as a wayward girl-no matter how you wish to satisfy him and proof to loyal, fifth, dependant and liability and many more. He will have another girlfriend with you that is he will cheat on you because you are both young and you ran after him. If you do something silly or very bad you are the one to suffer or
face the consequence.

Think and think very well of what you want to do with your life. Your mum will not go with you to your husband place but it is you and only you with what you are will go. Marriage is a desperate thing, when a woman gets married; it’s like jumping into a hole in the ice in the middle of winter: you do it once and you remember it the rest of your days either good or bad. Note that, "in marriage, a man becomes slack and selfish, and undergoes a fatty degeneration of his moral being," says by Robert Louis Stevenson. I wish you listen to your mother because she is more experienced in it than you. Good luck!

He likes to use and dump woman

Lovelines

There is a guy who chased me for some months before I agreed to be his girlfriend. All I gathered from his friends is that he always uses and dumps woman because he doesn’t love. Now I am deeply in love with him, what can I do?

Sahi

It is your duties to mount up a defense that will enable you know the type of a guy he is. At the same time to know if the friends are just talk blasphemy against him. Don’t give yourself away so quick. Use your brain if you want to know the truth. Find out about his past girlfriends and know what caused break up between him and them. Doing this you will be able to decide which path to follow. Good luck!

She is pregnant for me by force

Lovelines

I am worried and don’t know what to do. I have been dating a girl for 3-year. She does tell me that her friends said if we do not get a child I will never marry her. She listened to her friends and she gets pregnant for me. Now are parents says I must marry her by force. That statement hurt my dad and said it will never happen and I myself will not hence I don’t trust her anymore because if I marry her she will continue to listen to people outside. Can you say something before I do something stupid?

Lehjud

You amused me. Why can’t you listen to yourself and talk to your dad if your dad doesn’t want to talk to you because you have made a mistake instead of getting hurt because of what your girlfriend’s parents have said. You might not think this is your mistake and harbinger but it is. Since you know you will not marry her, and you feel that she listens to friends why don’t you withdraw from the relation long ago when she does tells you what the friends has suggested to her. This is a real issue that you should have settled amicably as a mature guy and gal. Remember that she never force you to have sex with her but you were enjoying the excitement while she was busy planning because she is not a fool. In a nutshell, it has happened, try to reach a compromise. Tell your father the truth of the matter; he is only hurt because of the word force. Anyhow if you still don’t marry the girl, you can not erase being the father of the unborn child. Think over this because you can’t run away from your shadow. Good luck!

Her mother is my problem

Lovelines

I am a young man of 23 dating a girl of 20. She recently finished her grade 12.  I love her and we planned to marry but her mother against this. She said a man as chose her as future wife since she was young. Moreover, this man has been responsible for the payment of her school fees and upbringing up to date. I don’t want to lose this girl, what can I do?

Mamadi

You have no choice here than to give the girl sometime to decide on her own. You should have known better that she is being sponsor by a man before this time. It is also too early for you to be in love or rivalry contest. So find something better doing for yourself if she is meant for you, she will be yours. Marriage should not be the next agenda to two of you hence she just finished her school certificate examination. Think about how both of you will go to the university, work, and achieve. At your age (23/20) marriage should be secondary; the primary should be what to do to become educated and prosperous. But if you really mean to get her for yourself, ask the man to estimate what he has been spending on her so far and pay him back. Doing this her mother will have no choice than to allow you to marry her. Good luck!